Sunday, May 8, 2011

Apple Pie Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

“Apple Pie Order” from Knick-Knacks to Crochet, 1939

Keep your linen closet neat as a pin with these crocheted bands that put pillow cases, single and double sheets in their places. Weighted tips.
My linen closet doesn’t look like this. My mother’s linen closet doesn’t look like this, and she grew up when Neatness was next to Godliness.

Please note, these sheets aren’t just labeled, they’ve also been starched. Not because starching makes sheets more comfortable – I’m getting itchy-twitchy just looking at the photo. However, sacrificing a good night’s sleep was considered a small price to pay so you could fold hospital corners sharp enough to cut yourself on.

Uh oh, my Mother just exclaimed, “Sweetie, these would be the perfect gift for Mother’s Day. You start crocheting, and I’ll get the starch!”

Excuse me while I go put a padlock on my linen closet.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

No. 9099

Materials: CLARK’S O.N.T. or J. & P. COATS PEARL COTTON, size 5, 4 balls of any color.
CLARK’S O.N.T. or J. & P. COATS SIX STRAND EMBROIDERY FLOSS, 2 skeins of a contrasting colour.
MILWARD’S steel crochet hook No. 7 or 8.

Starting at narrow end, ch 13. 1st row: Tr in 5th ch from hook and in each ch across. Ch 4, turn. 2nd row: Tr between 1st and 2nd tr, * tr between this and next tr. Repeat from * across. Ch 4, turn. Repeat 2nd row until piece measures 28 inches.
Or until you go insane.
Ch 1, turn. Next row: S c in each st across. Ch 1, turn. Repeat this row until piece measures 1 yd. in all. Fasten off. Make 2 more pieces like this.
Seriously, is the quest for perfect domestic order really worth your sanity?

My Mother just said, “Yes!”

But it was a rhetorical question!
Sew a lead weight to end of s c-sections, turning up corners.
That’s not a typo, it really says “c-sections”. And not just any “c-sections”, they’re S-shaped c-sections.

Because suffering through major abdominal surgery in order to bring a new precious life into the world is absolutely the same thing as suffering through hours and hours of tedious crocheting in order to bring a new useless craft into your home.

Of course, crocheting linen bands isn’t the only thing just like giving birth. So is successful blogging, felting a dozen scarves, and installing Fallout 3.
Embroidery . . . Embroider the s c-sections with Six Strand, using cross stitch for the words “PILLOWS,” “SINGLE” and “DOUBLE”.
Doctors call it “suturing”, but that’s just a fancy-schmancy medical name for plain ol’embroidery.

Be sure to boil your embroidery thread for fifteen minutes before embarking upon your c-section. Afterwards, promptly clean the blood up off your kitchen linoleum. If it gets under the baseboards, you’ll just end up attracting ants.

Don’t ask me how I know that.

Now you’re ready to iron the starch into your sheets. Although, considering it’s Mother’s Day, you should really ask the man about the house to do it for you.

Or not.

Click here for the printable pattern.

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