Friday, February 19, 2010

Forgettable Betty

Name Pullover from CM Sweaters for Kids, 1976

Is your daughter instantly forgettable?

Does her teacher still not know her name, six months into the school year?

Do people constantly refer to her as your son? (Darn those unisex 1970s hair styles!)

Don’t despair, Handmade by Mother has the solution!

Simply knit up a quick and easy Name Pullover, and your daughter will become the centre of attention wherever she goes.

Guaranteed results, or your money back!*

*Handmade by Mother only guarantees that this sweater will garner attention, not whether the aforementioned attention will be positive or negative. Handmade by Mother accepts no liability for cases of unfortunate nicknames (Sweaty Betty) or childhood psychosis (Draco Malfoy Mania) that may result from the use of this sweater.

For the complete pattern (and more snark):

Betty’s placid smile worries me. She’s thinking to herself, one day I’ll make them pay for ignoring me. They never suspect the quiet ones! One day, I’ll found a discount store multinational that will bankrupt all their local businesses and bust all their unions! Ha Ha!
Name Pullover

Instructions are for size 6. Changes for sizes 8, 10, 12 and 14 are in parentheses.
You Need: Columbia-Minerva PERFORMER (3 oz ball), 3 balls Pine (P), 1 each Winter White (W), Orange (O) and Red (R), “Boye” Knitting needles No. 6 and No. 8 or size to give gauge.
Columbia-Minerva PERFORMER is just the yarn you need to propel your introverted little darling to the head of the class. Before she starts rolling around in radioactive waste in a misguided quest to become Atomic Betty.
Gauge (No. 8 Needles): 9 sts = 2’’; 7 rows = 1’’.
Finished Measurements
Bust or Chest: 27 (29-31-33-35)’’
Back at Shoulders: 11(11 1/2-12-13-13 1/2)’’
Sleeve at Underarm: 10 1/2 (11-11 1/2-12-12 1/2)’’

BACK: With No. 6 needles and P, cast on 61 (65-71-75-79) sts.
Rib Border – Row 1: K 1, * P 1, K 1; rep from * to end. Row 2: P 1, * K 1, P 1; rep from * to end. Cut P. Row 3: With O, knit. Rows 4-6: With O work in rib. Cut O. Row 7: With R, knit. Row 8: With R work in rib. Cut R. Rows 9-12: With W rep Rows 3-6. Cut W. Rows 13 & 14: With R rep Rows 7 & 8. Cut R. With P and No. 8 needle, work in St st to 11 (12-13-14-15)’’ from beg or desired length to underarm.
Don’t settle for lesser yarns in your quest to make your little girl popular!

And you must ensure your daughter becomes popular. Everyone knows that popular kids are good kids who never get into any trouble.
Armholes: Bind off 4 (4-5-5-6) sts at beg of next 2 rows. Dec 1 st each side every 2nd row 2 (3-3-3-3) times. work on 49 (51-55-59-61) sts until armholes measure 5 (5 1/2-6-6 1/2-7)’’.
Shoulders and Neck: Bind off 6 (6-7-7-8) sts, K until 7 (8-8-9-9) sts from bind-off, turn. Dec 1 st at beg of next row, work to end. Bind off 6 (7-7-8-8) st. Place center 23 (23-25-27-27) sts on holder, join yarn, work shoulder and neck to correspond to other side.

FRONT: Work same as back to 7 (8-9-10-11)’’ from beg, end with a P row. Continue in St st, working 2 rows O, 2 rows R, 12 rows W, 2 rows R, 2 (4-6-8-10) rows P. Remainder of front is worked with P.
Neck: Work 30 (32-35-37-39) sts, join 2nd skein, bind off center st, work to end. Work on each side with separate yarn. Dec 1 st at each neck edge on next row, then every 4th row 5 (7-8-8-11) times, every 2nd row 6 (4-4-5-2) times AND AT SAME TIME when same length as back to armholes shape armholes as on back. Work 12 (13-14-15-16) sts, to same length as back to shoulders.
Shoulders: Bind off 6 (6-7-7-8) sts from each armhole edge once, 6 (7-7-8-8) sts once.
And don’t be tempted to save a little money and make this sweater out of Red Heart Supersaver.

Teachers can spot a cheap yarn from the other side of the playground. And you know what that means!
SLEEVES: With No. 6 needles and P, cast on 37 (37-41-41-41) sts. Work first 12 rows stripe pat as on back. With No. 8 needles and P, work in St st, ince 1 st each side every 8th row 5 (6-5-6-7) times. Worn on 47 (49-51-53-55) sts to 11 (12-13 1/2-15-16)’’ from beg, or desired length to underarm.
Sleeve Cap: bind off 4 (4-5-5-6) sts at beg of next 2 rows. Dec 1 st each side every 2nd row 11 (11-10-10-10) times, every 4th row 0 (1-2-3-3) times. Bind off 2 sts at beg of next 2 rows. Bind off 13 sts.
How can you not know what that means?

Sigh... All right, here’s the sequence of events.
1. Teacher sees child wearing sweater made out of cheap yarn.
2. Teacher unconsciously assumes child is just as careless about quality as the cheap yarn buying mother.
3. Teacher assigns child low marks.
4. Child fails to graduate high school.
5. Child ends up unemployed and living in your basement, writing bad Klingon poetry.

And all because you chose to save a few dollars by not buying Columbia-Minerva’s PERFORMER yarn.

FilthyPetaQ!! You are without honour!
Finishing: Sew right shoulder seam. With No. 6 needle and P, beg at left front shoulder, pick up 1 st in each row on left front edge to center front, 1 st at center front and mark, pick up same number sts on right front edge as on left front edge, 1 st in each row and st at back of neck. Cut P. Row 2 (wrong side): With W purl all sts. Row 3: Rib to 1 st before center st, sl next st as to P, sl center st to cable needle, hold at front, sl st from right needle back to left needle, insert left needle from left to right in center st and sl it to left needle, K 3 tog thru back lps, beg with K or P st (as st before the K 3 tog), rib to end. Cut W. Row 4: With O, rep Row 2. Row 5: Rep row 3. Row 6: Rib to center st, P center st, rib to end. Cut O. Row 7: With R, knit. Row 8: Rep Row 3. Bind off in rib, dec at center front.
Wait, Columbia Minerva yarn is no longer in production?

Oh well, then you better just pick the most expensive yarn you can find. Who cares if it’s not machine washable. They’re going to call her Sweaty Betty anyway.
To Place Name on Front:
Using graph paper, chart name to be used. Place center st of chart at center st on 3rd row of wide W stripe. Using duplicate st embroider letters following diagram.

Or, following chart, embroider other designs as desired.

Hearts to say “I love you, sweetheart” and boats to say “But I wish I could ship you off to a foreign country... To expand your horizons, of course!”

Click here for the printable pattern.


  1. Poor Betty. They should also have sex-defining patterns that say "Vagina" or "Penis".

  2. Best. Comment. Evah!

    I want to see that sweater. I challenge you to make it!

    Now I have a hilarious vision of presenting my teenager with a sweater that says "VAG".

  3. HAAAA!


    "What is it dear?"

    "Where's my Vag sweater!!!! OH MY GOD!"