Sit down, children! This year, instead of crocheting presents for the good boys and girls, the elves wrote a heartwarming Christmas poem instead.
Humpty Santa sat on a wall.
Humpty Santa had a great fall!
And all the sad reindeer,
And all the sad elves,
Couldn’t put Santa back together again.
Because he’d been smashed to bits just like this egg! Isn’t that hilarious?
Why are all of you crying? Stop that right now!
Harrumph. Children, these days! No sense of humour.
For the complete pattern (and more snark!):
santa and elf
Humpty-Dumpty-like Santa and Elf can stand or sit, make great toys for the kiddies or bright decorations. They can be made in no time at all – just work rounds of single crochet.
Because working endless rounds of single crochet will never get so boring you’ll want to put your eyes out with your crochet hook.SIZE: 14’’ high.
MATERIALS: Knitting worsted, 3 ozs. red, 2 ozs. pink, 1 oz. white, few yards of black, for Santa; 3 ozs. green, 2 ozs. red, 2 ozs. pink, few yards of black and yellow for elf. Crochet hook size F. Dacron stuffing. Scraps of black, red, yellow and blue felt.
Dacron! The very best in 100% thermoplastic polymer resin! Accept no substitutes!GAUGE: 4 sc = 1’’.
It’s critical to check your gauge for this pattern. If your Santa and Elf end up looking deformed, your children’s therapy bills will go through the roof.SANTA: With red, beg at top, ch 2. Rnd 1: 6 sc in 2nd ch from hook. Mark end of rnds.
Rnd 2: 2 sc in each sc around.
Rnds 3 and 4: Work even on 12 sc.
Rnd 5: (Sc in next sc, 2 sc in next sc) 6 times.
Rnd 6: Work even on 18 sc.
Rnd 7: (Sc in next 2 sc, 2 sc in next sc) 6 times.
Rnd 8: Work even on 24 sc.
Rnd 9: (Sc in next 3 sc, 2 sc in next sc) 6 times.
Rnd 10: Work even on 30 sc.
Rnd 11: (Sc in next 4 sc, 2 sc in next sc) 6 times.
Rnd 12: Work even on 36 sc. Change to pink.
Presumably pink’s intended to represent Caucasian flesh tone. Personally, I wouldn’t want to use a colour that makes Santa look like his blood pressure’s so high his heart’s going to explode.Rnds 13 – 21: Continue to inc 6 sc evenly around every other rnd 3 times more. Work 4 rnds even on 54 sc. Change to red.
Rnds 22 – 27: Work 6 rnds even. Change to black.
Rnds 28 and 29: Work 2 rnds even. Change to red.
Rnds 30 and 31: Work 2 rnds even.
Rnds 32 – 38: Dec 6 sc evenly around each rnd until 12 sc remain. (To dec 1 sc, pull up a lp in each of 2 sts, yo hook and through 3 lps on hook.) Before opening is too small, stuff body firmly.
Besides, who says Santa has to be Caucasian?
Right on, brother!Gather remaining sts tog; sew opening closed.
Arms (make 2): With pink, ch 2. Rnd 1: 6 sc in 2nd ch from hook.
Rnd 2: 2 sc in each sc around.
Rnd 3: (Sc in 3 sc, 2 sc in next sc) 3 times.
Rnds 4 – 6: Work even on 15 sc. Change to white.
Rnds 7 and 8: Work even. Change to red.
Rnds 9 – 17: Work even. End off. Stuff arms. Flatten top edge; sew opening closed; sew arms to sides above belt.
On the other hand, you could go ahead and use the pink yarn, so your Santa can be a cautionary tale about the consequences of unhealthy living.Legs (make 2): With black, ch 2. Rnd 1: 6 sc in 2nd ch from hook.
Rnd 2: 2 sc in each sc around.
Rnd 3: (Sc in next sc, 2 sc in next sc) 6 times.
Rnds 4 – 6: Work even on 18 sc. Change to red.
Rnds 7 – 22: Work even. End off. Stuff legs. Flatten top edge; sew opening closed; sew legs to body.
FINISHING: Make a 1’’ white pompon; sew to top of hat. With white, work 1 row of sc around lower edge of hat. For beard, thread double strand of white in yarn needle, work 2 rows of knotted loop st down each side and across lower edge of face. For mustache, wind yarn 30 times around 2 fingers. Tie tog at center, sew to face. From felt, cut 2 blue crescent eyes, red circular nose, yellow rectangular belt buckle. Glue in place.
After all, if Cookie Monster was able to give up cookies, why can’t Santa?ELF: With green, work as for Santa through rnd 12. Do not change to pink.
Rnd 13: (Sc in next 5 sc, 2 sc in next sc) 6 times.
Rnd 14: Work even on 42 sc.
Rnd 15: (Sc in next 6 sc, 2 sc in next sc) 6 times. Change to pink.
Rnds 16 and 17: Work even on 48 sc.
Rnds 18 – 23: Inc 6 sc evenly around on rnd 18. Work 5 rnds even on 54 sc. Change to red.
Rnds 24 – 29: Work 6 rnds even. Change to black.
Rnds 30 and 31: Work 2 rnds even. Change to green.
Rnds 32 and 33: Work 2 rnds even.
Rnds 34 – 40: Work and finish as for rnds 32 – 38 of Santa.
Arms: Work as for Santa, working rnds 1 – 6 in pink, 7 – 17 in green.
Legs: Work as for Santa, using green throughout.
Shoes (make 2): With green, ch 2. Rnd 1: 6 sc in 2nd ch from hook.
Rnds 2 and 3: Work even.
Rnd 4: 2 sc in each sc around.
Rnds 5 – 8: Work even on 12 sc. End off. Stuff shoes lightly. Sew to bottom front of legs.
FINISHING: Make a 1’’ red pompon; sew to top of hat. With red, work 1 row of sc around lower edge of hat. For hair, cut 15 2’’ strands of yellow; tie tog at center; sew to center front under hat. From felt, cut 2 black crescent eyes, red circular nose and crescent mouth, yellow rectangular belt buckle. Glue in place.
But if you decide you’d like to embrace Humpty-Santa in all his rotund glory, then be sure to make one of these cakes to go with him!
Just slap a Santa hat on ol’ Humpty here, and you’ll have your very own Humpty Santa Cake! Doesn’t he look delicious, balanced on his wall of real bricks. Yep, real bricks not delicious chocolate cake. I hope somebody warned the kiddies before they started chowing down.
What? You actually want the recipe for Humpty Cake?
Oh, all right. But only because it’s Christmas.
No home, we say, is complete without a recipe for a very special cake to honor a very special occasion. It should be a dazzling show-off of a cake. We don’t deny that such a cake takes real skill, but we guarantee this: you won’t regret a minute of the time it took when you hear the oh’s and ah’s of approval.
No pressure, though! Because ruining this cake will in no way destroy Christmas and make your children hate you for the rest of their lives.HUMPTY DUMPTY CAKE
2 pkg (1 lb, 1-oz size) poundcake mix
4 eggs, unbeaten
2 squares unsweetened chocolate, grated
1 pkg (13 oz) creamy-fudge frosting mix
Several long, thin wooden skewers
5 egg whites
10 cups sifted confectioners’ sugar
Blue, green, yellow and red good color
2 blue drinking straws, cut in half crosswise.
Wow, that’s an awful lot of sugar. Try not to breathe deeply while sifting those ten cups of sugar, or you’ll end up with type II diabetes.1. Preheat oven to 300F. Lightly grease and flour 2 (1 1/2-quart size) heatproof bowls (6 3/4 inches in diameter) and 1 (10 oz) custard cup.
2. Make both packages of poundcake mix together as label directs, using the 4 eggs and amount of water specified on package. Lightly swirl chocolate into batter just until combined.
3. Put 3/4 cup batter in custard cup. Divide remaining batter into the 2 bowls.
4. Bake cakes at same time. Bake small cake 55 minutes and larger ones 1 hour and 20 minutes, or until cake tester inserted in center comes out clean.
I don’t know about you, but when I read “cake tester inserted in center”. I immediately thought of a tiny, shrieking elf being forcibly stuffed into the center of a hot cake.
Now we know what really happens to elves who want to become dentists.5. Let cool, in cup and bowls, 10 minutes. With a sharp knife, loosen edges; turn out on wire racks; cool completely.
6. From top of each cake, cut a thin slice crosswise to make cakes level. Brush off any loose crumbs. Cut the 2 large cakes in half crosswise, as in diagram.
7. Make creamy-fudge frosting as package label directs.
8. Put 2 halves of each of the 2 large cakes together, using 1/4 cup frosting between halves.
9. To make Humpty Dumpty’s egg shape, invert 1 large cake on top of other, putting together with 1/2 cup frosting. Invert small cake on top, putting together with rest of frosting. Insert a wooden skewer through center of cakes, from top to bottom, to make secure. Place on serving plate.
Oh, I saw this on the Ultimate Cake Off! This is the moment when the entire cake crumbles to pieces, and with only fifteen minutes left to complete the challenge, all the bakers start running around in a panic.10. To decorate: In large bowl of electric mixer, at high speed, beat 3 egg whites just until soft peaks form when beater is raised. Gradually beat in 6 cups confectioners’ sugar, beating until stiff peaks form. (If necessary, add a little more sugar to make this frosting stiff enough to spread and cling.)
And they say there’s nothing good on TV anymore.
11. Using small metal spatula, spread frosting over entire cake, covering seams and rounding out to give an oval shape. Occasionally dip spatula in hot water, so frosting will be easier to spread. Let set completely – at least 4 hours.
When was the last time you spent a whole day baking a cake? Was it worth it when your heard the ‘oh’s and ah’s of approval’? Or did you swear, “Never again!” after your darling children announced that they’d rather have the “Pink Punk Humpty Dumpty” from Cake Wrecks?12. In large bowl of electric mixer, at high speed, beat remaining egg whites just until soft peaks form when beater is raised. Gradually beat in 4 cups confectioners’ sugar, beating until stiff peaks form. (If necessary, add a little more sugar to make frosting stiff enough to spread and cling.)
13. Using small metal spatula, spread frosting evenly over first coating, covering entire cake and making frosting as smooth as possible. Dip spatula in hot water so frosting will be easier to spread.
14. To make frosting very smooth, brush lightly with soft pastry brush, moistened with a little hot water – be careful not to make frosting too wet.
Step 14-A. Double your dose of anxiety meds in a last ditch attempt to get your perfectionism under control.15. Let dry 1 hour. With small wooden skewer, lightly mark position of eyes, nose and mouth. Also outline collar and tie. Let dry completely – several hours.
16. Then, with soft paintbrush dipped in appropriate food color, paint cake, as shown in the color photo.
17. Insert wooden skewers in cake, for arms and legs. Place half a blue straw over each.
18. To serve: With a sharp knife, slide down through cake, cutting a quarter at a time. Cut each quarter into 3 slices; cut each slice in half crosswise.
MAKES 24 SERVINGS
Note: Cake will be easier to frost if baked one day; stored, wrapped in foil; and frosted the next day.
Geez, now they tell me, after I already tried to frost the warm cake and ended up with this caketastrophe instead of a Happy Humpty Santa.
Still, if your cake is a complete disaster, you can always just dump the rest of your icing sugar over it and stick your crocheted Santa and Elf on top. Tell the kids it’s an edible diorama of the North Pole. With ten cups of icing sugar inside them, trust me, they won’t care!
Click here for the printable pattern.
And click here for the Humpty Dumpty Cake recipe!