Thursday, August 20, 2009

Your Grapes are Gay!

Grape Shade Pull Pattern from Kitchen Crochet, Book No. 304, 1954

So you’ve finished making your grape mats and potholder. Congratulations!

But you’re nowhere near done. Sure, your kitchen counters are all grapey now, but what about the rest of your house? Where are the grapes in your living room, your bathroom, your conservatory, your library with Professor Plum and the candlesticks?

Well, now you can have grapes in every room of your house! Or at least every room that happens to have shades. Or fans. Or lamps. Or anything else that needs a good, hard pull.

Heck, you can even hang them off your children! Just don’t use them in public.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Clearly, these are seedless grapes.
J. & P. COATS “KNIT-CRO-SHEEN,” Art. A. 64: 8 yards of No. 48 Hunter’s Green; and

J. & P. COATS BEST SIX CORD MERCERIZED CROCHET, Art. A. 104, Size 30: 14 yards of No. 18-A Shaded Purples.

Milwards Steel Crochet Hooks No. 7 and No. 10.

11 bone rings, 1/2 inch in diameter.
That’s right, bone! None of that cheap plastic stuff for gay gadgets.
With Shaded Purples and No. 10 hook, sc closely around each bone ring. Join and break off. Sew rings together to form a bunch of grapes as illustrated.
Otherwise, the minute – the very minute! – people step into your home, they will look at your grape shade pulls and say, “She used plastic rings. How shocking!”
CORD . . . Cut 4 strands of Hunter’s Green, each 1 yard long. Twist these strands tightly, double and give them a twist in the opposite direction. Knot free ends. Sew Cord in place.
And your guests will be so insulted that you didn’t think they were worth genuine bone rings, that they won’t even notice how tightly you twisted your strands. They will turn right around and march out the front door.

They will!
LEAF (Make 2) . . . With Hunter’s Green and No. 7 hook, ch 15, 2 sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across. Break off. Sew a leaf to each side of cord.
And that’s it! Except for the twenty more of these gull-winged, seedless grape pulls you’ll need to make in order to create a unified theme for your home. Because if you choose to make different shade pulls for each room the gay gadget mafia will shun you.

But fear not, interior decorating anarchists! I will provide patterns for the other shade pulls eventually. Because everyone needs more kitschy crap... I mean, gay gadgets in their life.
Click here for the printable pattern.


  1. I love your Blog! It makes me laugh! Thank you :-)

  2. Bless your heart, Lucky Lady. I'm glad to hear this blog's tickling you. :-)