Debbie halted in mid-karate chop. “That’s it! I’m calling a time out!”
Dr. Debacle stared at her, his stethoscope still raised threateningly. “What? Why?”
“Eyes up here, buster!”
“But they’re so... square. And yet, in the centre, they’re also round. Circles inside of squares, disappearing into infinity...” His eyes began to glaze over.
“I’ll have you know my breasts are not infinite. I’m a C cup!”
Dr. Debacle didn’t seem to hear her. His mouth was open and his head was tipping slowly to the side.
“It’s just that my breastplate sort of compresses my breasts. A lot. And I’m not wearing a bra, because Linda said bras were a symbol of the patriarchy’s oppression of the female form. Or something.”
Dr. Debacle started to drool all over his super-charged, semi-automatic stethoscope.
Debbie sighed irritably, and karate chopped Dr. Debacle into unconsciousness. At least this particular villain hadn’t had the chance to make any raunchy jokes about her “potholder”.
For the complete pattern (and more snark!):
SQUARE MOTIF STYLE
TENSION: 1 motif = 3 1/2 ins x 3 1/2 ins.
MOTIF: With B, ch 6. Join with ss to form ring.
1st round: Ch 3. 15 dc in ring. Ss in top of ch 3. (16 sts in round).
2nd round: Ch 5. * 1 dc in back loop only of next dc. Ch 2. Repeat from * to end of round. Ss in 3rd st of ch 5.
Yessir, back loop only. Gotcha.3rd round: Ch 5. 1 tr in same st. * Ch 2. 1 dc in next dc. Ch 2. 1 hdc in next dc. Ch 2. 1 dc in next dc. Ch 2. (1 tr. Ch 2. 1 tr.) in next dc. Repeat from * twice. Ch 2. 1 dc in next dc. Ch 2. 1 hdc in next dc. Ch 2. 1 dc in next dc. Ch 2. Ss in 3rd st of ch 5.
4th round: 3 sc in 1st space. 1 sc in each st. 2 sc in each space and 3 sc in each corner space to end of round. Ss in 1st st. Fasten off.
Using a blunt ended needle, thread a length of A over and under each dc of 2nd round 4 times, being sure that all 4 strands lie flat and are not twisted. Darn in ends on wrong side.
Make another motif the same, then make 2 motifs with A and thread 2nd round with B.
Sewing through back loops only, join motifs as illustrated.
Pay attention to those bolded black letters! If you sew through the front loop, it’ll look awful. People will point and laugh, and it won’t be because you’re walking around with a potholder plastered to your chest.Join A in any st along edge. Ch 3. 1 dc in each st and 3 dc in each corner st around entire edge. Ss in top of ch 3. Fasten off.
NECK BAND: With B, ch 70 sts. 1 dc in 3rd ch from hook. 1 dc in next ch. * 2 dc in next ch. 1 dc in each of next 2 ch. Repeat from * to end of ch. Fasten off.
With right side of motif facing, join B in back loop of 3rd st before corner sts above motif made with A. Ch 4.
1st row: Working in back loops only of sts...
Because trust me, people will know if you strayed into the front loops. Even non-crocheters will sense a disturbance in the Force....1 tr in next st. 1 dc in next st. 1 hdc in next st. 1 sc in next st (centre st of corner). 1 hdc in next st. 1 dc in next st. 1 tr in each of next 2 sts. Ch 3. Turn. (9 sts in row).
2nd row: Miss 1 st. 1 dc in each st to end of row. Ch 3. Turn.
Repeat 2nd row once, omitting ch 3 at end of row. Fasten off. Sewing through back loops only, join to centre 9 sts of neck band.
Never question the big black letters! Conform, Consume, Obey!SIDE PIECE: With right side of work facing, join B in back loop of 5th st before corner sts above motif made with B. Ch 4.
1st row: Working in back loops only of sts...
Too much pressure! *starts stabbing wildly at the crochet loops* Front! Back! Ack!...1 tr in next st. 1 dc in next st. 1 hdc in each of next 2 sts. 1 sc in each of next 3 sts. 1 hdc in each of next 2 sts. 1 dc in next st. 1 tr in each of next 2 sts. Ch 3. Turn. (13 sts in row).
2nd row: Miss 1st st. 1 dc in each st to last 2 sts. Miss 1 st. 1 dc in top of turning ch. Ch 3. turn. (11 sts in row). Repeat 2nd row to 3 sts in row.
Next row: Miss 1st st. 1 dc in next st. 1 dc in top of turning ch. Ch 3. turn.
Repeat last row until side piece measures desired length to middle of back. See note on page 2...
Or the first post in this series, Super Breast... plates!...then fasten off.
With right side of work facing, join B at other side and work 2nd piece in same manner. Press lightly. Sew button at end of neck band and end of left side piece. Use spaces between sts for buttonholes.
Phew! *fans self* Thank goodness that’s over. I almost lost all sense of perspective.Click here for the printable pattern.
What do you mean there’s still two more breastplates to go?
ETA: Part 1, Part 3, Part 4 - Get the complete set!