Friday, July 24, 2009

Your Salad Servers Are Naked!

Salad Set Pot Holder pattern from Quick Tricks in Crochet Book No. 13, 1950.

I know what you’re thinking. If your salad servers are young, studly men named Juan and Julio, what’s the problem with them being naked?

Sadly, this pattern is for clothing the oversized fork and spoon used for serving salad (when someone’s looking and you can’t use your hands).

But you should cover up those salad servers. What would the neighbours think if you flaunted nude utensils at your BBQ? Clearly, the only way to avoid social ostracism is to crochet up some salad server burkas.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Salad Set Pot Holder FV-378
A “pot holder” for a fork and spoon? I don’t think that word means what you think it means.
Materials:

Clark’s “Anchor” Cronita: 1 ball each of No. 43 Dk. Yellow and No. 76 Robinette, or

Clark’s “Anchor” Pearl Cotton, Size 5: 3 balls of No. 443 Dk. Yellow and 1 ball of No. 621 Turquoise, and

J & P Coats’ Best Six Card Mercer-Crochet, Size 30: Small ball (Blue Label): 2 balls each of No. 884 Shaded Pinks and No. 889 Shaded Lavenders, or

Clarks “Anchor” Six Strand Embroidery Floss, 1 skein of Black.
Jeez, I’ve had fewer colour changes for entire sweaters.
Milward’s “Ship” Brand Steel Crochet Hooks Nos. 7 and 10.
Arrrr, matey! Milward’s Ships have sailed away with the Flying Dutchman, but according to the old sea shanties, they were British hooks and not standard size. So you may be out to sea regarding what size hooks to use for this pattern.
1 wooden salad spoon and fork.
Naked.
Starting at neck edge with Dk. Yellow and No. 7 hook, ch 24.

1st row: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across. Ch. 3, turn.

2nd row: In first sc make dc, ch 2 and 2 dc (shell made); *skip 1 sc, in next sc make 2 dc, ch 2 and 2 dc. Repeat from * across. Turn.

3rd row: Sl st in next 2 dc and in next sp, ch 3, in same sp make dc, ch 2 and 2 dc; in each sp across make 2 dc, ch 3 and 2 dc. Turn.

4th, 5th and 6th rows: Sl st in next sp, ch 3, in same sp make 2 dc, ch 2 and 3 dc; in each sp across make 3 dc, ch 2 and 3 dc. Turn. Break off at end of 6th row.

Attach Turquoise to neck and sc closely across, (ch 2, sc in end dc of next row) 5 times; *sc in next 2 dc, 3 sc in next sp, sc in next 3 dc, (ch 2, working between shell rows make sc in end dc of next shell on previous row) 4 times; sc in end dc of next shell on same row, (ch 2, sc in end dc of next shell on following row) 4 times. Repeat from * around, ending with ch 2, sl st in first sc. Break off.

Skirt
Oh yes, there’s more. Only the truly dedicated will achieve the goal of covering the nakedness of salad servers.
1st row: Skip 3 shells, attach Yellow between 3rd and 4th shells, (ch 6, sc between next 2 shells) 6 times. Ch 1, turn.

2nd row: Sc in first sc, * 6 sc in sp, sc in next sc, 7 sc in next sp, sc in next sc. Repeat from * across (46 sc). Ch 3, turn.

3rd row: In first sc make dc, ch 2 and 2 dc; * skip 2 sc, in next sc make 2 dc, ch 2 and 2 dc. Repeat from * across. Turn.
But I can’t help thinking, if the sight of nude salad servers really offends you, just dress them up in Barbie clothes. It would be a lot less effort.
4th and 5th rows: Sl st to sp of first shell, ch 3, in same sp make dc, ch 2 and 2 dc; in each sp across make 2 dc, ch 2 and 2 dc. Turn.

6th, 7th and 8th rows: Sl st to sp of first shell, ch 3, in same sp make 2 dc, ch 2 and 3 dc; in each sp across make 3 dc, ch 2 and 3 dc. Turn.
Ah heck, old socks could work as salad fork and spoon cosies too.
9th, 10th and 11th rows: Sl st to sp of first shell, ch 3, in each sp make 3 dc, ch 2 and 4 dc; in each sp across make 4 dc, ch 2 and 4 dc. Turn.

12th row: Sl st to sp of first shell, ch 3, in same sp make 4 dc, ch 2 and 5 dc; in each sp across make 5 dc, ch 2 and 5 dc. Turn.
Although, I’d recommend washing the socks first.
13th row: Sl st to sp of first shell, ch 3, 9 dc in same sp, 10 dc in each sp across. Break off.

Attach Turquoise to first sc on Skirt, sc in same place, (ch 2, sc in end dc on next shell) 11 times; * sc in next 9 dc, ** (ch 2, working between shell rows, sc in end dc of next shell on previous row) 4 times; sc in end dc of next shell on same shell row, (ch 2, sc in end dc of next shell on following row) 4 times; sc in next 9 dc. Repeat from ** once more, (ch 2, sc in end dc of next shell) 10 times; sc in end dc of next shell on same shell row (ch 2, sc in end dc of next shell) 10 times.
No, that’s not a transcribing error. Just really, overly repetitive instructions.
Repeat from * across, ending with ch 2, sc in sc on waist. Break off.

Make another piece the same way. Sew pieces together to form dress, leaving 3 shells free at top for armhole.
Goodness, yes. You wouldn’t want your salad fork and spoon to be unable to move their arms!
Flower . . .
Because you can’t attend the salad server prom without a corsage.
Starting at center with Shaded Pinks and No. 10 hook, ch 6. Join with sl st to form ring.

1st rnd: (Ch 6, holding back on hook the last loop of each tr make 4 tr in ring, thread over and draw through all loops on hook – cluster made – ch 6, sl st in ring) 5 times.
The abbreviation tr means treble which is the old-timey version of tc. Now, if you ever take a souped-up DeLorean DMC-12 back to 1955, you’ll be able to blend right in with any crocheters.
Join and break off.

Make 2 more Shaded Pink flowers and 2 Shaded Lavender flowers.

Sew Flowers to front of skirt. Embroider center of flowers with Black French knot. Slip spoon and fork in place to form head and arm.
Wonder aloud if your salad utensils would rather be more butch than femme. Realize that you’ve just outed yourself as a time traveller and scamper off to the high school prom to get your mom and dad to kiss for the first time.
Click here for the printable pattern.

6 comments:

  1. You crack me up talking about these patterns. So funny.

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  2. Thanks! I'll be posting lots more - one every other day, with luck. :-)

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  3. With the salad fork as the "arms" it makes the poor salad servers look like the victim of a tragic finger-amputating accident.

    More disturbing than a spoon wearing a dress without any arms. :)

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  4. Either that, or it's some sort of alien monster with three tentacles on one side instead of an arm. ;-)

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  5. OMG!! The spoons head is naked, too!! Where is the hat pattern?? :)

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  6. Because your comment, I actually had a dream last night about searching Ebay for fork and spoon hats. And I found them! But tragically, I woke up before I could buy the pattern book.

    Someone needs to design hats for cutlery (hint, hint).

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